


The Gun in my Hand seems Heavier Now

by thefrenchmistake



Series: The Angels Can't Help Us Now [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Character Study, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22571635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefrenchmistake/pseuds/thefrenchmistake
Summary: When he is eight, his father puts a gun in his hand and tells him to shoot a bottle.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & John Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Jo Harvelle/Dean Winchester
Series: The Angels Can't Help Us Now [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1624105
Kudos: 28





	The Gun in my Hand seems Heavier Now

When he is eight, his father puts a gun in his hand and tells him to shoot a bottle.

At eight, Dean has never touched a weapon, except for the knives in their kitchen -but there is no kitchen anymore, because everything was burned down and his mother is gone. His hand shakes so badly the bullet, when he finally gathers the courage to pull the trigger, lands far too much to the left. His father enters a fury he has never seen on his face before, grips the gun from his hand and shoots the bottle right on.

When it explodes, the sound is so loud and scary Dean cries. His father forces him to pick the gun up and tells him Sammy is his responsibility from now on and that this is the only thing that will ever protect him. When he is eight, John puts the gun in his hand for a second time and tells him it’s to protect his little brother; Dean does not miss the next shot.

When he is 15, his father looks at him through the barres of a dark, old cell of a remote sheriff station, and says that rotting here will do him so good (even as he tried to do what was expected, what was wanted from him). The marks he leaves on his wrists remain for days onwards.

The same day, a rough-looking guy named Sonny looks past his bad boy behavior and offers him a place to stay. And suddenly Dean learns to live like a normal teenager and for the first time in his life, his mother’s ghost doesn’t burn his vision and his father’s orders don’t echo in his ears. For the first time, it seems like there is a way out of the path his father dug for him.

And then, months later, John Winchester drives to the house and expects him to leave everything behind; John Winchester tears him away from it all. But it’s for Sammy, in the backseat, that Dean goes, and the gun soon find this hand again, as well as a knife in his waistband.

When Dean is 26, his father confesses he’ll have to put his brother down in case he turns bad and Dean fucking loses it.

His world crumbles under his feet and John’s orders - _take care of him, protect him, he’s your job, your responsibility_ \- and John’s current words - _he’s lost, you’ll have to put him down, he’s your responsibility_ \- and Dean can’t. The gun in his hand shakes and trembles but he cannot, will never do that.

When Dean is 27, he loses his brother and sells his soul to get him back.

It’s stupid. Impulsive.

He still hears the voice of his father in his head, yelling at him to take care of Sam, and it’s what he’ll do, until the day he fucking dies (which will apparently come far sooner than expected). But he’ll go down howling and kicking and a gun glued to his hand.

When Dean is 29, he kisses a blonde girl with a mortal wound in her stomach and bloody fingers gripping a detonator. He kisses her and damns the world because this girl suddenly shows far more courage than he ever has, and her mother takes her hand and whispers “Go, boys,” without looking back.

And they do.

The shop blows up behind them, and even though his heart clenches and his knees buckle under grief, the gun in his hand doesn’t shake.

When Dean is 35, his angel beats him up and he falls on his knees before him. He tells him he’s family (instead of saying the words that burn his lips, the three words that take more place everyday) and pleads. And when he thinks he’s going to die, he grips his sleeve tighter and closes his eyes because if this is how he goes out, he might as well go basking in Castiel’s presence one last time.

He doesn’t die (a demon with blond hair and redemption in her heart does though), and Castiel disappears.

Dean picks up his gun.

When Dean is 38, his mother disappears in a flash of lightning and his best friend takes a blade to the chest.

He falls to his knees next to the body and begs and pleads and can’t actually fathom the idea that Castiel will never be here again. The rifle in his shaking hand falls to the ground and he doesn’t even try to pick it up. Dean is the one to take care of the body, is the one to put his hands on his eyes and hide the tears, is the one to tie the curtains around his trench-coat.

When they burn him, he feels his chest being ripped wide open and the mark on his shoulder ache and throb.

He stays beside the fire until the flames die down, until there is nothing more to see but the tears on his face and the hollowed look in his eye. And afterwards, he prays harder than he ever has before and damns God to hell ( _we lost everything and now you’re gonna bring him back_ ). But no matter how broken he is and how bloody his fist gets, he receives no answer.

Dean grips his gun tighter than he ever has before.

When Dean is 40, Castiel looks him in the eye and he sees all the history of the centuries he’s lived lead to this one moment; he feels time stretch and move to pinpoint to this one instant where Castiel holds his hand out and breathes:

“Come home.”

Dean drops his gun.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I decided to go completely freestyle on the ages, I have no idea if they even come close to canon.  
> Hope you enjoyed !


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